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Training: Drinking - The Lowest Level Theory
Posted by Brian @ 06/04/2002 07:48:07 PM

Another extremely important aspect of my training is drinking. For this match I have been sticking with a variety of beers, and when training really hard - some Jack and Coke. You may be thinking something like "hey, isn't drinking for non-boxers?" or "huh, what, what... what?". Those who don't understand need to take a quick second and step inside my mind. We all know that Greg has a major size advantage in this bout. With that in mind I am assuming that I may get hit more than once during the course of the fight. I'm also assuming that if I do in fact get hit, it may hurt. Since I can not, and will not lose this bout, I am training for the worst case scenario. Here comes the big point...

I want to be prepared to have my body reach it's lowest level of strength.

And thats why drinking is part of my training. I have been making a point of getting absolutely shitfaced at least once a week. Upon waking up with a heavy hangover I then train right through all of the headaches, vommiting, and other binge drinking related pain. At first I found this training method to be sufficent, but when my body became used to this training roller coaster I knew that I had to take things one step further. For the past two weekends I did my heavy drinking in New Jersey. It has been clinically proven that there is nothing worse a human can do to their body then drink heavily in New Jersey. That truly is the lowest my body can go. So if you still don't get it - here's the other big point...

I want to be prepared to have my body reach it's lowest level of strength, still function efficently, and then rebound to 100%.

I promise that my body can - and if necessary will - ride the rollercoaster I just described. In fact I'm "training" as I write this.

One more week of training
Posted by Greg @ 06/04/2002 08:56:18 PM

Well, it's been a tough few months, but I think I've got the results to show that all this training has been well worth it. I really feel that I've added tremendous amounts of force to my punches, which started out at a pretty good level to begin with. I still can't jump rope to save my life, but that won't matter when I'm causing internal bleeding (which will be a lot easier thanks to Bri's incessant drinking). I've been discussing my strategies quite a bit with my trainers, and I think I'm ready in that respect. Someone remind me to post my strategies after I win- I don't want to give anything away yet, not so much because I'm afraid to give away the strategies, but more because I'm going to have a lot of fun carrying them out on the unsuspecting two. As we're in the last week, I'm going to be toning down my training to low resistance weight training, just to keep my muscles poised. There was a time when I felt bad for Brian and Ralph and all the damage that will be done to them, but that is gone from my mind now. They might have seen me wrestling around before, or maybe forcing a few people out of the way so I could get shotgun, but in regards to real fighting, I don't think they know what they've gotten themselves into. That should be a lot of fun for all you out there, as it will be for me. The bats are circling my house tonight... they know that the day of destruction is nigh...

No sweat- you ain't seen nothing yet
Posted by Greg @ 06/08/2002 01:38:49 PM

Ah, the musical stylings of FDR and the New Deal. If only you were still with us.

For me, training is almost complete for the bout, as we're now a mere Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday away from the big day (As a reminder, the fight will be taking place at the Strand in Providence, RI, USA, Wednesday June 12; doors are at 8 PM). My list of training for the next week:

Saturday: Crunches, light weightlifting workout, light heavy bag workout, hopefully some senseless tennis.

Sunday: Crunches, slip and slide workout, medicine ball, hopefully my last sparring match.

Monday: Crunches, light weightlifting workout, light heavy bag workout.

Tuesday: Crunches, punching pictures of Ralph and Brian repeatedly, light smashing my head through glass windows workout.

Wednesday: Destruction

Thursday: Day off; heavy repititions of making fun of Brian, Ralph, and their wounds.

Friday: Workout Day 1 routine.

Thus, following the match (which makes me remember that everyone should go out and rent "Following", especially if they liked Momento) I will return to my regular workout routine, just in case I ever am required to defend my title as Typical Crap Heavyweight Champion of the World. Perhaps the losers will make me a belt while they're at home (read: in the hospital) healing. If so, I'd prefer one that is black with gold trim that utilizes the batman symbol while still retaining a typical championship belt motif.

If you've got any pre-match tips for me, including what I should do/eat/say/be during or prior to the match, feel free to contact me at greg@typicalcrap.net

I just got finished doing a little backyard punching demonstration with brian and ralph, who ran to my house together (illegal training procedure?). They should be frightened.

Training: The Boxers Diet
Posted by Brian @ 06/08/2002 06:08:00 PM

I used to weigh about sixty pounds more than I do now. Had I known that I was going to have a boxing career I would have kept the weight on. At this point in my life I could even be called 'skinny'. How many boxers do you know that are skinny? Not many. It was for this reason that I made "The Boxer's Diet" part of my training. The boxer's diet is a simple plan that can transform any puny weakling into a giant hulking boxer. The boxing diet consists of a series of rules that must be followed exactly for ultimate efficency. Since I like you guys so much I will let you in on the secret.

The Boxer's Diet:
Step One - Eat absolutely anything you want, whenever you want.
Step Two - Eat a large amount of previously mentioned "thing"
Step Three - Repeat

After graduation I was eating giant plates of catered food 4 to 5 times a day. Chicken wings at noah's were very important to my training. I averaged 3.5 bacon egg and cheeses per week. I would always eat right after working out and my goal would be to eat so much that I would fall asleep right after the meal. This combined with my binge drinking really helped me bulk up. I have gained 45 pounds since the match was announced and it's almost all muscle.

I think that the boxer's diet played a big part in making my forearms so damn thick.

Talked to a friend the other day and she really stressed the fact that people tend to get hurt very badly at fight night. If I said that she didn't scare me I would be a thick forearmed liar. Who wants to see some blood on Wed?

Training: Stealth Mode
Posted by Brian @ 06/10/2002 10:30:19 AM

During my last 6 days in Poughkeepsie I didn't really have a place to stay that was 'legal'. In fact it could be said that I was squatting for six days. The typical (funny how that word keeps coming up) squatter mut never be seen for fear of losing their squatting area. Add to this the task of training for an upcoming boxing match and you have yourself a sticky situation. Since June 1st I have decided to perform all of my traning procedures in 'stealth' mode. No one must see. No one must hear. No one must know. I trained in the dark, inside, during the witching hour, and behind giant trees. Masks, fake glasses and moustaches, fake IDs, and British accents helped make my training identity unknown to the world. On the one hand, this aspect of my training allowed me to maintain my squatting position. On the other hand, my stealth training will give me an advantage that no one else in the ring will have. It will be just as if we were playing Super Smash Brothers Melee. One second I'm punching you directly in the face and head, and then just like that, I'm gone...

The other day Greg gave us a little punhing 'display'. In his post following that he stated that we should be scared. I will admit that his punches are backed by some serious force - that can't be denied. But those punches have only been reaching a stationary target. While I may not be as stong as Greg, I would estimate that I am at least three times faster than him. Good luck getting those power packed punches to connect with me. I suggest you save yourself some time and get Ralph out of the way first cause it's gonna take some serious focus for you to do damage to me. And you weren't the only one doing a punching display that day. You can't say that you weren't at least a little surprised by the fury I had coming from my fists. I was happy with my performance.

I also would like to take a quick second to clarify some posts made by Greg (not Ralph of course - sometimes I wonder if he even knows that he has a match on wed.) No offers will be accepted. No compromises will be made. I have no fear and you have no idea of what I am capable of.

That's enough talk for now. I have some other bones to pick but I think I will save them for future posts.

If you think that the boxing challenge seems crazy you are 100% wrong. This Japanese tevision challenge is fucking crazy. It makes typical crap look like child's play.