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Bowing down to Batman
Posted by Greg @ 06/03/2002 04:35:07 AM

How's it going, folks? Batman here to fill you in on a little information about the current boxing challenge. If you've already heard about this, feel free to skip down to the next paragraph. In the upcoming boxing match on June 12, I feel that there is no way that I am going to be the first boxer to go down. My trainers have all been diligent in their teachings, and I think my punching power has gone up 1000% since I began training, which puts me into an Ivan Drago area of power. Because of this, I've made an offer to both Brian and Ralfh which would help them and entertain me simultaneously. Once the first boxer is knocked out of the fight (regardless of whether it's Brian or Ralfh), they will most certainly be stuck with the smallest room in the house next year. This leaves the mid-sized room (which I prefer), and the largest room. Because I prefer the mid-sized room, I am willing to take that room if, and only if, the remaining combatant kneels down to me and declares me the champion by the end of the round that the other combatant got knocked out. I will accept their declaration and the first place victory and choose the mid-sized room with my #1 pick, allowing them to pick the largest room with their #2 pick. IF on the other hand the remaining combatant refuses to declare me champion and instead forces me to waste my energy knocking them into oblivion, then I will knock them out as well, become the champion by inflicting much pain on them, and take the big room out of spite. Then they will have to live with me all that year and with the knowledge that they blew it and could have had the biggest room. There's my offer- it's on the table, and because the combatants aren't allowed to develop an alliance against me, that's the only way they'll get the biggest room.

Dom (one of my trainers) and I spent a lot of time helping Flash develop a video for his class this week, and a lot of footage of Dom training me was shot. Expect to see some of that here soon.

In another open offer to the other challengers, I suggest that sometime before the fight we go to Dave and Busters or some other form of arcade where they have the machine that tells you how hard you punch. In that way, you'll be able to see what you're getting yourself into, and you won't be able to sleep at night. If he dies, he dies.

Finally, tomorrow (Tuesday, June 4) is one of the most important days of this summer, as UHF is finally out on DVD!!! For those of you who have seen UHF, you will certainly understand my excitment, and for those of you who have never seen it, you're missing out on your favorite film ever. That's right, your favorite film. Even though you haven't seen it yet. To learn more about this movie, click here or, if you're already privy to the genius of the film, click here for more information on its DVD release.

Training is grueling
Posted by Greg @ 06/04/2002 04:49:50 AM

For most of the challenges we've done in the past, there has been no real long-term preparation involved, and that's what has made this challenge the hardest to date. Second to this is the Peanut Butter and Frosting consumption, which made every orifice in my body burn. Despite the trial by fire that challenge was, this has been going on for months, not just a week. Brian has posted wondering whether I'm really training like I say I have been, and I'm here to tell you folks that it's been even more intensive than ever these past few weeks. Even more important than my physical training has been my mental training. I think that anyone could tell you that I'm not the type that will back down from a confrontation (as Flash or Hulk could tell you, we almost had to break out the baseball bat last night as some idiot was tailgating us, then passed us and stopped to stare us down). To add to this killer instinct, I've been thinking about nothing but the fight, 24 hours a day. I go to sleep and dream about the fight. I teach the kids at school and all the while, I'm thinking about the fight. I check my mail and I punch the mailman. Every bit of my being is focused on destruction- not on victory, because that is a desire of the mind, and desires of the mind are forbidden during training. Destruction is a desire of the body, a body that has been trained to inflict pain, and nothing else. The night of the fight, after it's all said and done, expect a lot of posting from me, but not much from the other two; it'll be tough for them to type when their keyboards are full of blood and bile.

On a related note, I was browsing the internet to see some pictures of fight night at the Strand, and came upon these at their website. Just click on the pictures section, and fight night is the first thing to come up. Expect photos of two guys running from a guy in a Batman shirt pretty soon on that site.

Last night, I took a break from my fight-related dreams to dream about my uncle being mad at my dad because my uncle's wife had a baby and birds were helping to raise it, but my dad refused to help raise it. I woke up to several birds flying around the room.

Break out the "Rocky Greatest Hits" CD... only one more week to go until the madness...

One more week of training
Posted by Greg @ 06/04/2002 08:56:18 PM

Well, it's been a tough few months, but I think I've got the results to show that all this training has been well worth it. I really feel that I've added tremendous amounts of force to my punches, which started out at a pretty good level to begin with. I still can't jump rope to save my life, but that won't matter when I'm causing internal bleeding (which will be a lot easier thanks to Bri's incessant drinking). I've been discussing my strategies quite a bit with my trainers, and I think I'm ready in that respect. Someone remind me to post my strategies after I win- I don't want to give anything away yet, not so much because I'm afraid to give away the strategies, but more because I'm going to have a lot of fun carrying them out on the unsuspecting two. As we're in the last week, I'm going to be toning down my training to low resistance weight training, just to keep my muscles poised. There was a time when I felt bad for Brian and Ralph and all the damage that will be done to them, but that is gone from my mind now. They might have seen me wrestling around before, or maybe forcing a few people out of the way so I could get shotgun, but in regards to real fighting, I don't think they know what they've gotten themselves into. That should be a lot of fun for all you out there, as it will be for me. The bats are circling my house tonight... they know that the day of destruction is nigh...

No sweat- you ain't seen nothing yet
Posted by Greg @ 06/08/2002 01:38:49 PM

Ah, the musical stylings of FDR and the New Deal. If only you were still with us.

For me, training is almost complete for the bout, as we're now a mere Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday away from the big day (As a reminder, the fight will be taking place at the Strand in Providence, RI, USA, Wednesday June 12; doors are at 8 PM). My list of training for the next week:

Saturday: Crunches, light weightlifting workout, light heavy bag workout, hopefully some senseless tennis.

Sunday: Crunches, slip and slide workout, medicine ball, hopefully my last sparring match.

Monday: Crunches, light weightlifting workout, light heavy bag workout.

Tuesday: Crunches, punching pictures of Ralph and Brian repeatedly, light smashing my head through glass windows workout.

Wednesday: Destruction

Thursday: Day off; heavy repititions of making fun of Brian, Ralph, and their wounds.

Friday: Workout Day 1 routine.

Thus, following the match (which makes me remember that everyone should go out and rent "Following", especially if they liked Momento) I will return to my regular workout routine, just in case I ever am required to defend my title as Typical Crap Heavyweight Champion of the World. Perhaps the losers will make me a belt while they're at home (read: in the hospital) healing. If so, I'd prefer one that is black with gold trim that utilizes the batman symbol while still retaining a typical championship belt motif.

If you've got any pre-match tips for me, including what I should do/eat/say/be during or prior to the match, feel free to contact me at greg@typicalcrap.net

I just got finished doing a little backyard punching demonstration with brian and ralph, who ran to my house together (illegal training procedure?). They should be frightened.

48 hour focus
Posted by Greg @ 06/10/2002 03:23:08 PM

Well, the match is finally upon us, and Brian finally seems to have found his balls. You may have read Brian's post today indicating that he's some sort of human fury, three times faster than me, partially invisible, and filled with power that we can't imagine. Now, I'm a reasonable man, so I'll admit that Brian and Ralph are both very clearly faster than me. In a road race, I'd lose very easily, so it's a good thing that we didn't race for the rooms, although "Race for the Rooms" is kind of catchy. What Brian forgets is that we're in a boxing ring, set together like caged animals. Having superior speed might be nice and all, but after about 30 seconds of running away from me, the crowd's booing will send you back to the middle where you belong, so I can force you up against the ropes again. I don't know what kind of "hidden power" Brian is talking about, but I can guarantee you that my sparring partners have a much rougher time than your partner does. Maybe you and your sparring partner just run around and don't hit each other. When I envision your training, it involves short shorts and flyswatters, if you catch my meaning. As for the refusal of a deal, it's not a big deal to me, in fact I won't have to reply in bold to compensate for fear like some people do. I was just trying to be nice. Regardless, I think we both know that you're going to end up with the smallest room, and that Ralph and I are going to be duking it out for the real championship.

To contrast Brian and I, I thought these examples would be nice.
-Greg: I've only once been actually knocked down by someone in a take-down situation (and that was in feet of mud). We're talking full on wrestling, run from 20 yards away and tackle, smack in the head take-downs here. I've never met someone who wouldn't submit to the torture that I expel. Quickness may mean something in other sports, but boxing is one where my brute force is enough to make any amateur fighter quake with fear. When in battle, I have no compassion for human life.
-Brian: One time while making our way through Providence late at night, Brian and I walked by a guy peeing on a fence. Brian and I looked at each other and kept on walking. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the guy zip up his pants. About 10 seconds later that guy came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. Brian watched the guy come up behind me and cowered away in fear, leaving me alone to contend with the lunatic. I turned around and saw that it was my friend Ian from High School, and Brian looked relieved. Brian later said, "I'm kinda glad that happened; now I know that when someone comes up behind one of my friends to mug them, I'll cower away like a little girl."

We're talking different mentalities, folks. Different instincts.

Now that we're done talking about Brian for good (I bet the time it took you to read all that was about ten times longer than the amount of time Brian will last in the fight), I'd like to give a retrospect on what I liked and disliked as training.

Liked:
Free weights- I've noticed a large mass increase in my arms, and this is something that has given me a lot of strength in all of my activities (especially picking children up at work every day).
Medicine ball- The most entertaining exercise ever is throwing the medicine ball around. Nothing complimented the free weights workout like the medicine ball did, and I'm looking forward the most to continuing with that workout.
Weighted shadowboxing- Regardless of what Brian thinks about my speed, wearing the weights while shadowboxing and then taking them off made me easily as fast as him in regards to punching.
Target boxing- Extremely helpful in developing power and precision.
Crunches- I can now do tremendous amounts of crunches- up to 500. I never felt much pain in my midsection before while fighting, but now I'm even more resilient. While sparring I got hid in the midsection a lot, and I felt nothing at all most of the time.
Sparring- There's nothing like shocking new neighbors by getting beat up in the backyard on a sunny afternoon. I grew to love the taste of blood almost as much as I like making blood spurt from others.

Disliked:
Heavy bag workout- I like punching the heavy bag, but unfortunately I had to take it down and lay it against the wall to punch it. It used to hang from the ceiling, but I hit it so hard each time that even when someone was holding it, it would crack the tiles on the floor above the chain. Punching the bag against the wall was okay too, and made my wrists strong, but it just wasn't as fun as doing the real thing.
Jump rope workout- I am convinced that I will never be able to figure out how to jump rope correctly. I look like a complete idiot while jumping rope. I hate all ropes.

That was nice. It was really special to look back on my time in training. I'm glad we could share.
Two days until destruction.