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In recent TC news...
Posted by Ralph @ 06/03/2002 03:19:01 PM

On a flight out to Georgia on Memorial day of a week ago, I had the opportunity to sit next to a lovely couple from Canada. Being that I assumed never to see these people again after the flight I engaged in some in depth conversation. A standard greeting and a name exchanged started the blasphemy and it was all downhill from there. In conversation I proceeded to declare that my occupation was of a "Image Consultant". This was later described as someone who aides people in need of a new image from the public. I told the couple I counseled many celebrities on what movies to be, what charities to donate to, where to be seen, where not to be seen, and on how to get out of a jam. For instance, if someone were to get caught beating on their wife they would come to me for advice on what to do so that the press would back off and so that the public wouldn't ban their movies and throw beer bottles at them when they played in their NBA playoff games for the New Jersey Nets. Also actors who fall for movie deals such as Encino Man, and Blast from the Past later starred in The Mummy thanks to my consulting. The couple was extremely interested in my profession and asked many more questions. I continued to mention that my clients were all confidential but I hinted around about working with such celebs as: Nancy Kerrigan, Hugh Grant, Daryl Strawberry, Joey Buttafucco, and Providence's own Plunder Dome celebrity Mayor Vincent A Cianci Jr. As we continued to talk and go about our bussiness on the flight I delved deeper into this world I created and offered the couple VIP passes to a restaurant/club that I made up in Orlando (where they were eventually headed). I told them a celebrity colleague of mine owned and operated the bussiness and if they mentioned my name he'd treat them very hospitably. I concluded the flight by offering them my services with no fee. I gave them a card that I happened to have that read "MY CARD" on it. I wrote down my made up contact information on one side. On the other side I wrote down the name of my friend's restaurant, "Planet Hollywood", and it's address in Orlando, FL. We departed with a hearty smile, a couple handshakes, and a quote from the Canadian husband, "It was wonderful meeting you! You are quite possibly the most uniquely intriguing man I've ever met, eh." Certainly a crowning moment in my personal typical crap career.
If only that man had known the whole of this friendly skies experience, eh.

Skank for Fitness
Posted by Ralph @ 06/11/2002 06:55:26 PM

Being the humble mild mannered competitor I am, I have not previously mentioned any boxing training procedures. I've never really been one to talk a huge game, yet I always walk away victorious. However, on this occassion I would like to point out a few unique training exercises I've found highly beneficial.

1) 30 mins is spent shadow boxing to ska/punk music. During this time I maintain the "skanking" dance while puching to the beat with 3 lb or 8 lb weights in each hand. This is the most important part of my training. It conditions my legs, and arms. It increases my stamina, and speed. And it's lots of fun
2) I listen only to Less Than Jake, Deftones, or NOFX.
3) I engage in a penis enlargement program provided by http://www.penisdevelopment.com
4) I run 2-6 miles about three or four times/wk
5) I think I do some sit ups
6) Most of all I imagine releasing all my pent up anger and aggression on the faces of my two best friends ever. I can't wait to beat the bloody pis out of the two guys who know all my faults and weaknesses, who I turn to for help and entertainment, who I love immensely. At least I'll get all my fat aggression out. Man I've had a bad couple weeks. I hope I seriously injur one of the two closest guys I've had in my life ever, ever-ever, evah evah.

-Ralph

Back out NOW
Posted by Ralph @ 06/12/2002 01:41:00 PM

The last word of advice to my competitors before the fight:

Forfeit the game
Before I come and take you outta the frame
and put your name to shame.
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast you just won't last
-Linkin Park

-Ralph

Boxing Parallelogram
Posted by Ralph @ 06/17/2002 01:12:14 PM

When I was a sophomore in college, for some reason I decided to pledge a fraternity. To this day I'm still no really sure why I did it. It was an incredibly trying semester of my life. Pledging was filled with alcoholic binges, weird dancing, eating nasty concoctions, physical limit testing, brotherly bonding, and many other insane experiences. I recall every experience that I had that semester. Some of them were entirely the most embarassing and degrading things. For some reason, however I loved every minute. Throughout the pain, mental abuse, and insanity I held strong to eleven other guys doing the same exact thing and I came out a lifelong brother of Tau Kappa Epsilon. When asked what I thought of pledging, I will always respond with the same thing, "It was the best thing in my life that I would never do again." It's true too. If I could've gone back in time as knowledgable as I am now of the experience, I would do it all over again. If you asked me to do it a second time though, I'd punch you in the gut and run screaming like a sissy sally mary skirt.

I would consider this experience equivalent to the boxing match on Wednesday. I'm still not quite sure how I got involved in a boxing match with my two best friends. I can't recall how I agreed to do this either. It was an incredibly trying training. It was filled with alcoholic binges, weird dancing, eating nasty concoctions, physical punishment, brotherly bonding, and of course insanity. Being in the ring though I remembered every moment, and I loved them. I loved every physically abusive punch, every awkward swing I took, all the insanity. It was unbelievable. In the end I came out victorious. When asked to resond to the boxing match, I can only say, "It was one of the best times in my life, that I'd never want to experience again." I rethink the match a lot. I try to decide what I could've done and should've done. When it comes down to it, it was awesome. I'd do it again for sure...just not a second time. I think if asked to do it again, I'd punch you in the gut and run screaminf like a sissy sally mary skirt.

A bit disgusted
Posted by Ralph @ 06/17/2002 01:36:07 PM

Now that my internet is properly functioning again I've had the chance to read up on Greg and Brian's posts and I am perturbed. I was fully willing to say that Brian was the champion of the boxing challenge. I do regret backing out of the match. I should've gotten knocked out. I think the hardest part would've been knowing I was a superior fighter to Brian and being knocked out by him would've been more disgraceful. What my largest problem is that you both are well aware that I was the better fighter in this challenge, and yet Brian still denies that I would beat him in the ring under standard circumstances. Regardless of the challenges ramifications and mishaps, he knows I would destroy him. Yet, he still tries to come off as an internet boxing hero. Right I backed out of that particular match, but it had nothing to do with Brian's boxing waskills. It was mainly do to my overall fatigue, lack of vision, denial of rest and water between fights. Honestly, I would've beaten you that night if my cornerman weren't so negative about my well-being. His comment when entering the ring, "Stay away from him and throw your arms when you want to quit." I truely believe my victory was a solid one if only the ringman had told me I COULD NOT call "no mas" under any circumstance. If anyone ever needs proof of my superior boxing ability, I encourage them to Bring it On!