Official Time: 4:06 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I'm currently leaving my house in Cranston, and I've got Ralph and Brian behind me. I've got three sack lunches. I've got one airhorn. I've got two cassette tapes, a small and large notebook, a box of pens, and this audiorecording device. I am wearing sandals. I am wearing double lined pants, which are extremely hot at this time. I'm wearing a Red Sox jersey and a breathable shirt under that. Right now, we are proceeding toward Starbucks, where we are going to begin consuming coffee. I don't feel nervous at all, in fact I feel confident that even if I pee and crap myself, I'm going to be able to make it through this contest, I'm going to come out victorious, and I think that Brian's going to come out victorious as well, and I think that Ralph is going to have to get that enema. That's going to be 0 for 2 in the challenge department for Ralph this week. That's about all I have to say. This will be the only time that this audio device will be used for playback. I'm going to check whether it's actually working.

Official Time: 4:10 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I am still proceeding toward our coffee destination. One thing I've noticed is that I feel extremely elated during this time. I haven't felt this excited about something since probably the boxing match, and I find that the most exciting things in live are probably the challenges. I think that if I challenged myself to do things like, I don't know, get real good grades in school or, I don't know, run a marathon, if I challenged myself to do these things, instead of kinda doing it halfheartedly, then I'd probably be really good at everything. Cause this is kind of exciting, even though I'm gonna, you know, gonna be in torture about two hours from now. I'm driving. I'm going to note to myself right now that what we're going to have to do is make bumper stickers indicating www.typicalcrap.net for our cars so we can drive around, and people might see our bumper sticker, and then, you know, log onto the site. I'm also going to indicate that the people next to me in the tan car are staring at me while I talk into this audiorecorder as if it's completely insane. I just found a sign on the ground that says "Pants Hemmed $3". It lies there unused. Sad.

Official Time: 4:14 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Just drove around and picked my nose. Picking my nose is something I think I'll do a lot of in the next twenty hours or so, twenty-two hours really, when the coffee's consumed. Picking your nose is something enjoyable you can do when you're driving, and even if people stare at you, who cares, you'll never see them again. One time I saw someone that I knew and I just kept picking my nose. I don't think I've talked to them since then. I don't know why people are so uptight about nose picking. It's just something that's in you and you're taking it out. You know? For that matter, scratching your butt- that's something I'll be doing probably during this challenge, and I have no problem with that, and I'd watch a good friend of mine scratch his or her butt any day, in fact I have. Wow. We're almost there and I still feel great. I'm ready to go and in fact I'm looking forward to having a nice cup or six of coffee.

Official Time: 4:23 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I'm waiting in line to use the bathroom for the last time in twenty hours. Whew. I don't know what to say really, other than the fact that it's time, we're here, and I don't really like the smell of Starbucks, it's so overpowering in its coffee smell, but I'm ready to consume, you know, six cups of coffee from one of the largest coffee chains ever known to man. So, I depart.
Brian exits the bathroom. I proceed to enter. It's a nice bathroom area. It seems to be fairly clean, although Brian did just use it and all, and it kind of smells in here. Thanks a lot, Bri. But at least I get those few precious extra seconds alone with myself in the bathroom at Starbucks. If they have a video camera in here recording me, they'll hear this conversation probably. That's kind of exciting I think. Here I go. I exit the bathroom, done with my business. I don't wash. I don't flush. I'm not a man who has time for those sorts of things at this point. I sit down at the table, ready.

Official Time: 4:34 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
These two small coffees sitting in front of me, the house blend iced coffees with just the extra sugar seem silly right now. It seems like there'll be no problem getting through this challenge. I know hard days lie ahead, but I think I can do this.

Official Time: 4:35 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I've completed my first small iced coffee. It wasn't too bad. It was very cold and the coffee here isn't too good; I don't know how Starbucks got so big. Maybe it's the snazzy decorating or the corporate mindset, but uh, I've had better. Regardless, I think I'm going to be able to do this. I'm ready for at least another three smalls before I pause for my first medium coffee. I thin that this is one challenge that I'm going to win along with Brian. Here I go with my second cup of coffee.

Official Time: 4:39 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I finished my second small cup of coffee. This one tasted worse than the first one definitely. I should put more sugar in next time. I'm trying to avoid putting in a lot of sugar, because um I don't want to get excessively hyper in the car or antsy, so I'm trying to drink coffee as black as possible. It's not the greatest situation, but it's doable. I'm ready for the next two, and I could pound them right now, but I think what we're going to do is check the sack lunches. I'm going to see what Bri's got prepared. The Hulk is here, which is pretty cool. He's our second visitor of the day. Nicole from work was our first one. I guess that's about all I have to say for this one.

Official Time: 4:50 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Have two more small coffees in front of me. I thought to myself that we should have gone somewhere where they have a free coffee deal after you drink so many coffees. We could have definitely done that today and had our last coffee be free. I wonder if anyone's actually done that before, just gone somewhere and drank coffee until it was free. All the sack lunches were approved, which, which was nice. Thanks, Brian. And I've got my official coffee drinking straw in front of me, ready to drink. I'm going to drink coffee number three, the small variety, now.

Official Time: 4:52 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Just finished my third small coffee. Decided to start piling up the cups. It's going to get pretty high, I think, just like I am from all this caffeine. I tried putting the straw into the fourth coffee cup. Found it hard to concentrate on putting the straw in correctly. It slipped all over the top before I eventually got it in. I feel great though, although the coffee does taste horrible. Chris is here and he tastes good. That'll make up for it.

Official Time: 4:54 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Halfway through my fourth small cup of coffee. I remembered to ask Brian if he has his dick winch. He does. I'm glad for him. Without that dick winch, I don't know how he'd make it through at least four hours of not peeing. Brian's goal is to not pee until dark he tells me. I think he can do it, with or without the dick winch, but with the dick winch, he might be able to go way past midnight. Excelsior.

Official Time: 4:56 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Halfway through my small coffee, I try to take big sips of my small coffee, number four that is. As I take small sips it appears that the coffee level is not going down. I wonder myself if this is a trick cup of coffee and what's actually happening to me. I guess this is where the challenge starts catching up to me. (Burp)

(Laughter) Official Time: 4:59 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I am speaking markedly louder. I've just finished my fourth small cup of coffee in a row. I believe it's been about twenty minutes since I started drinking coffee. I will NEVER drink a small cup of coffee again for the rest of my life. I managed to pour coffee all over Bri's sunglasses and everything is so much funnier. (Laughter)

Official Time: 5:01 (Laughter) PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
(Laughter) Casey Fossum. (Laughter)

Official Time: 5:13 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Halfway through my midsized coffee, coffee number five really, I think about how when we were in Cancun it would have probably been a lot safer if everyone just drank five or six cups of coffee instead of taking Stacker 2 over and over and over. Stacker 2. Now that's diuretic doom. Stacker 2. For all your stacker needs.

Official Time: 5:30 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Resolve: I will, during the next twenty hours, work on my embouchure until it is back into trumpet playing form. I will then begin playing the trumpet very loudly and without form. Goodbye. Goodbye, world.

Official Time: 5:45 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I'm starting to drink my last coffee, the large coffee. You really do get your money's worth with the large coffee. It's much, much bigger than any of the other cups of coffee. The medium was just a little bit bigger than the smalls, but the large is hugely bigger than the medium or the smalls. I also purchased myself a Pecan roll and one, yes one, peanut butter cookie for later on. I'm going to put that in one of my sacks. Um… they asked us if we were going to be videorecording in the store, I said of course… not. We don't videotape in here, and I told them that we were audiotaping, which is acceptable, even though we're getting the background of Starbucks in. Listen for yourself. That's right, copyright infringement right there. Um…

Official Time: 5:52 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I am uh… about, I'd say one third of the way through my final cup of coffee. Outside we noticed an older couple sitting, sipping their coffee, with the official Starbucks dog, a beautiful, beautiful Starbucks dog with green leash, white coat and brown head fur. I think to myself that… as the dog stares at me through the window, that this coffee is one of the hardest things I've ever done, drinking this last coffee. I kinda feel like I have to pee now and we are zero minutes through sitting through- sitting in the car. And evidently my eye's enlarged or twitching, I'm not really sure which. I'd really like to get a flat screen TV. Maybe when I win the challenge I could buy it.

Official Time: 5:55 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I feel awful. This coffee is terrible. I felt so excited fifteen minutes ago and now I feel like I hate Starbucks and I hate Starbucks coffee and I never want to drink coffee again and I just want to finish this coffee I want to have it tapped directly to my veins have it sent directly to my body so I don't have to taste it anymore. It tastes like urine, which I'll be tasting later when I drink my own urine as it spouts out of my magnificent penis.

Official Time: 6:12 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Just finished the final of six coffees. It was an awful experience. That last coffee- the last half of a coffee tasted worse than anything I've ever tasted in my entire life. I never want to drink coffee again. I want to get in my car. I think I might, um, become ill, if you will. Ok I'm going to the car.

Official Time: 6:15 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
So, we're in the cars. Um, things don't feel so great, but they don't feel as bad as they did when I was drinking that last coffee. I really have to pee, and my goal personally is to hold it until midnight, a goal I think is completely unattainable, but I find that if I set goals like that, at least if I make it part of the way I won't feel like an idiot. From where I'm sitting, I can see Sam's Club, Savers, Best Buy, and Starbucks and the people coming and going. I plan to look at them a lot as I sit here and ponder life and ponder again why we do this stuff to ourselves cause this is… this is just terrible.
LISTEN UP, WORLD! I'LL EMPTY MY BLADDER WHEN IT'S BURST! THAT'S WHEN I'M GONNA PEE! I'LL SOUND ONE AIRHORN FOR ONE SECOND AND THAT WILL INDICATE THAT MY BLADDER HAS EXPLODED AND I'LL BE DYING!

Official Time: 6:19 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Four minutes into the challenge. There is a man walking into Sam's Club who appears to be ten times the size of a normal man. I believe he is at least eight feet tall. He is wearing a black shirt and tan pants. Sir, if you're reading this, you are extremely large. I would like to also indicate that playing with lots of buttons in my car is the only thing keeping me sane right now. Incidentally, I've got the fever for the flavor of the Pringles.

Official Time: 6:21 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
What Brian and Ralph don't know is that I've got thousands of imaginary comic books piled right here next to me in the car. I am reading one as I speak.

Official Time: 6:30 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Um… about five minutes ago I wanted to quit real bad. And about five minutes ago I had to pee real bad. I still have to pee kinda bad, but I feel better. I don't feel like I'm going to puke, at least at this moment. I'm hoping that the positive swing of things is going to continue, as we're only fifteen minutes in. I wonder how many minutes it is total for this challenge. 60 times 20… that's 1200 minutes. I have 1185 minutes to go. Approximately. Oh boy.

Official Time: 6:44 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
About a minute ago I sounded the airhorn one time for the first time of many probably. I am sitting in a pool- a pool- of my own urine. I am fairly certain that I have never urinated that much in my life. I peed a lot. When I went and got drug tested a couple of months ago for my lifeguarding job, they told me that it takes at least, I think twelve hours for liquid to go through your system. That is a complete lie. They LIE to you. I'm going to pause now as I'm going to take my wallet out of my pocket before it gets covered in urine.
Rejoining you, I've just removed all the contents of my wallet. I'm told by Ralph that I'm going to need to go to the doctor and get oral treatment and… uh… what do you call that? Topical treatment for my genital area if I sit in my urine puddle too much. I'm going to try and air it out in a minute, but I'm pretty sure that if I open my pants at this point, urine's going to pour out behind me. So, I'm going to hold off on that maybe about ten minutes, then hopefully uh, (burp) I'll go from there. I don't really smell the urine right now, cause, but, it's all over my front seat. It is all over my front seat. And it's… it's awful. Peeing yourself isn't as bad as you think though. I think one of the problems I had for the first twenty minutes or however long I was in here before I peed was that um… was that I really felt bad about peeing myself like it was a shameful thing to do or like I wasn't going to be able to pee myself without crapping. But then finally I just let go… and urinated. And it was beautiful. Like church bells on a Sunday morn. Just like they say. And um… I'm glad I peed. Not so glad I peed myself. I'm not sure what else I would have done. We'll see how it works out for Brian, but um… Diuretic Doom.

Official Time: 6:47 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I am strongly considering sounding my airhorn and taking out one of my lunches just to pour soda all over my genitals to remove the urine. I'm not sure if soda's going to be any better than urine, but at least it'll keep me out of getting a mild infection.

Official Time: 6:56 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Finally got the courage to kinda lift up my body a little and let the urine run down my legs a bit from the pool. My seat underneath me seems to be moist, yet not completely soaked. So I think it's soaked into the seat a little bit, through the leather or something. I don't think it's ever going to come out and I don't care. I'm going to take this to some kind of car wash where they wash it for you afterwards and let them clean it and then after that I'm going to scrub it myself to get it even cleaner. My car's going to be so fresh and clean that it's going to be just wonderful. Brian's been peeing for about the last twelve minutes or so from what I can tell. We both didn't come anywhere (laughter) near the uh… we didn't come anywhere near the marks we set for ourselves. I came short by just a few hours or so… it's… it's awful. I'm going to have to pee again in the next twenty minutes, but much less this time, and I'm much more prepared for it. I feel great, I'm going to do this whole thing, and man… I love these challenges.

Official Time: 6:59 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
Just nearing on 7:00, I get the ingenious idea that I wish that I had before I peed the first time to sit on both of my floor mats, which I've taken off the floor and put underneath me. I don't really need floor mats, if you think about it. I mean, who cares? And, so I'm going to sit on these for the rest of the time and urinate on myself and said floormats, hoping that um… that's… hoping that's enough to get me through. Okay.

Official Time: 7:02 PM Diuretic Doom Challenge Day 1
I'm reminded of a story I read when I was young about a boy trapped in an avalanche and about how when he was trapped in that avalanche, he urinated himself to keep warm. If he urinated himself to keep warm, it must be okay, as at the end of the story he only had his legs amputated and not his penis or balls, so uh, I'm glad that I won't be losing my scrotum or ass maybe for this challenge. I've so far seen about twelve cars that look exactly like Bri's and I've never seen any before now. It's really weird. I have to pee again, and I'm gonna. To try and tempt me out of the car (it's now 7:14 PM- I haven't even hit one hour), Nicole's trying to tell me that we could go to Waterfire tonight. I'd rather sit in my car with a puddle of urine all over me burning myself to death than go to Waterfire ever.

7:39 PM.
The diuretic doom challenge is well over. I'm on my way home. I feel awful about quitting, but I really really should have had a different gameplan going in. The pee still burns even though I've kind of wiped it off and Ralph bought me a pair of $1 shorts at Savers. It was an awful, an awful experience. I can't believe that we did this at all, first of all. Second of all, there's urine all over my car. All over the seat. And I'd like to get that cleaned tonight and I'm going to try and do that, and I'm going to take a shower now, and it's going to be great. I think what really probably broke me, honestly, was the first cup of water. When that water went down it was warm and it made me feel like I was going to vomit, and the vomit feeling and the burning combined, especially in my butt area, and… it just made things awful. Like I can't even describe to you how bad this whole thing felt. And, you know, I'm going to have to go to the mall now and ask out twenty girls, but when I was sitting in that car, that seemed like a great option to me. It seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. And… I'm sorry if I disappointed the viewers of Typical Crap, but my penance is coming, and I have a feeling that's going to be just as fun. I have to go shower or something. More on this later.