Ok, so here's the deal. The idea of drinking six cups of coffee and then locking themselves in their cars for 20 hours became an obsessive thought for Brian (Nightwing), Greg (Batman) and Ralph (Aquaman). They discussed the risks involved. There might be Cromit. There might be Vomit. There might be Crap. There would definitely be Urine.
For reasons that are unclear at this point, it was agreed that Batman and Nightwing would accept the Diuretic Doom Challenge. Perhaps it was because Aquaman had so recently suffered from a Vomitous Incident. However, because Nightwing, Batman and Aquaman had formed an alliance not unlike the Three Musketeers, it was agreed upon that if Batman and Nightwing endured 20 hours of sitting in their own ejected body fluids, an enema would be administered to Aquaman by a person of his choice.
Destroyed Lives, Damaged Car Seats
Most people never dream in a million years that they would be urinating inside of their car on purpose, however Nightwing felt that "With a van as big and ugly as mine I figured that I would spend at least a few months living in it. The jury is still out on that one." It is still confusing to the average motorist why anyone would deliberately pee in a car they may very well end up living in. Even very small rodents display a level of disgust when confronted with their own refuse.
Nightwing was not afraid of peeing in his own car, but he still had enough sense to reduce the risk of being arrested for indecent exposure. In a desperate attempt to preserve his modesty, he ripped the car seat cover off the passenger seat of his 1984 Toyota Vanagon to shelter himself while urinating onto the floor. I called a customer service representative at Toyota's Headquarters who we'll call "Mary" and asked for advice regarding Nightwing's seat, for although he tried to urinate neatly onto his floor, urination upon the seat was inevitable. When asked if the entire seat could be replaced, "Mary" seemed hesitant to answer. The chances of finding a seat at a salvage yard were slim to none. Finding a new seat will be difficult, and replacing it will be even more so, as the seat is actually welded to the frame of the vehicle. Good news if you've had a car accident, bad news if you've had an accident inside your car.
Because the chances of replacing Batman's seat are also slim to none, a cleaning expert, Jean Singleton, at allexperts.com was consulted. It appears that Ms. Singleton was intimidated by the sheer magnitude of the devastation, as she could do nothing more than send me an automated response claiming that this matter was "beyond her range of expertise." But a sopping wet 1993 Olds 98 was the least of Batman's problems.
Hindsight is 20/20
If you read the documentation of this fateful event, it becomes clear that had it not been for the raging rash that Batman developed after his initial urination, the outcome of Diuretic Doom may have been different. When I asked if it hadn't been for the rash, how long did he think he could have survived in there, Batman replied, "Well, I'm not totally sure about this, as I'm not completely familiar with my ability to do absolutely nothing for hours. Brian [Nightwing] has a bit more competitive experience in this area due to the Home Depot fandango. However, I think I had some staying power because if I had been smart enough not to pee on myself, there would have been no burning, and I would have been fine with the smell. Further, I didn't really feel the urge to crap at that point, I don't crap often anyway, and coffee never makes me feel like crapping. Because of this, I think I could have easily made it until the next morning, possibly until the end of the challenge. If only I weren't such a bad planner." Batman also wished that he had protected his tender and vulnerable "diaper area" with some Desitin or Balmex. He also wishes that he had protected himself with some common sense as well. With a bittersweet symphony playing in the background, Batman confided, "I can assure you that my challenge strategies will be much more thought out in the future."
A Cry for Help
Although both men insist that they could have continued their bizarre challenge for the intended 20 hours, those who know Batman and Nightwing have their doubts. When I asked Batman if the confined space of his car reminded him of the foxholes he lived in for days at a time during his Vietnam tour of duty, he quickly replied, "See, that's a misconception of my tour in Vietnam. We weren't allowed to have foxholes because after the first week of foxhole usage, most guys were using them as bunking areas for their Vietnamese prostitutes, which were distracting everyone from actual battle. Our General got pretty mad and his head exploded, and then the new General made us fill in all the foxholes and just sit on the ground the rest of the time. To sum up, yes it was exactly like that." Batman never served in Vietnam. Batman was born in the 80's.
Concerned passersby saw Nightwing babbling away at his little dashboard friends, yet Nightwing vehemently insists he did not, claiming that Batman didn't give him enough time to go insane. Really? I don't know people. After hearing this Inside Crap do you think they could have made it the whole 20 hours? It seemed as if it was the end of the line for the Diuretic Duo when an angel of mercy stepped in and saved the day. But we'll save that story for another day. The other not-so-merciful angel was Aquaman who purchased a pair of purple (Purple!) shorts for Batman to change into after he decided to end the Diuretic Doom Challenge after only one hour.
The One That Got Away
Because Batman threw in the sack (Sack!), the air-horn, and his double-lined pants, it is safe to say that Aquaman literally got his ass saved. Aquaman seemed to be pretty confident from the start that he would escape his bowel-bombing bonanza, as he never even purchased an enema. "Due to contrary belief", Aquaman commented, "I'm pretty relieved that I didn't have to get the enema. Well not as relieved as I would've been if I had gotten the enema. But relieved in a different way."
But, the question that is probably burning a hole in the back of your head right now is this: if Aquaman had had to get an enema, who would have been the lucky guy or gal to administer it? Aren't you glad I asked? He said, "There aren't too many people I would trust to be patrollin' my colon. When it comes down to it though I'd have Pedro Martinez of the Boston Red Sox do it." I guess that would make sense. It's a good idea that he chose a pitcher rather than a catcher. He throws right and he bats right, and that's all right too. I studied his stats though, and I just couldn't figure out what would qualify Mr. Martinez to administer an enema.
So there you have it. That's about all the crap these guys were willing to talk about. If this isn't enough crap for you then go start up a conversation in the Forum or think up some crap to try to make these guys do and submit a challenge. Either way, it's all just a bunch of Typical Crap.
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