Diuretic Doom

Friday, June 28, 2002

Here We Are Again

Another day, another typical crap challenge. Take a look at the rules and regulations if you haven't already. This time around I would have to say that I really do have a distinct advantage. Don't get me wrong here - I'm not saying that Greg's not going to make it the full 20 hours - I'm just saying that I don't think I'm going to have such a hard time completing this one. Here's a quick list of reasons why I think I have such an advantage in this challenge:

1.) I already drink a lot of coffee. 4 cups is right around my daily average.
2.) I have pissed myself more than once. Both times were in public. (More on that later this week)
3.) I've already spent 16 hours in a Home Depot. I know what its like to be restricted to one area for an extended period of time. Greg has nothing on that.
4.) When necessary I am quite good at holding in impending urine.
5.) I'm even better at holding in a good shit.
6.) I only crap once a day.
7.) I really like the front seat of my car. I feel like a school bus driver up there.
8.) My dashboard is adroned with 3 bobble head figures (Colonel Sanders, The Less Than Jake Mr. Skull, and a Rock Em' Sock Em' Robot.) and a Buddy Christ figure. They will keep me company.
9.) I really want Ralph to get an Enema because I don't think he is going to find it as plesant as he expects it to be.
10.) I won't have to fight anyone this time around.

It's a good thing that Ralph wants that enema because he's gonna get one - and he's gonna get it good...

Posted by Brian @ 04:16 PM EST

Friday, June 28, 2002

Let's be honest

Bri, I know you're all hyped up on the "taunting" from the last match, and that's great. Your ego must be soaring. But listen, we're just not enemies here. You know it, and I know it. I'd like to make two main points and then suddenly disappear:
1. All of the things in Brian's list are "skills" that I have as well. Brian drinks a lot of coffee; I drink a lot of water- somewhere around a half gallon a day as a minimum. Brian has pissed himself before; I've pissed myself before. I find it to be warm and comforting. Brian spent 16 hours walking around Home Depot; I spend hours each day locked in rooms teaching aggressive children. Further, I had to eat only peanut butter and frosting for a week so I'm familiar with the mental challenges. Brian doesn't pee or crap much and can hold it in well; same thing for me. Brian's got Bobble Heads in his car; I've got the ice in me. He doesn't have to fight anyone but himself; neither do I. Brian wants Ralph to have to get an enema; so do I. This isn't about skill. This is about holding it in or going and ignoring the odor. Either way, I'm completely insane to begin with and capable of just sitting and waiting for hours and hours for no reason at all.
2. Brian, we're in this together now. Sure, we're challengers for the same prize. But let's think our way through this. We could taunt each other and try to get the other person to break down just so they'd have to ask out 20 girls. That would be a brief moment of fun, and years from now we'd say, hey, remember when you asked out all those girls? That was great.
But think about how much more fun it will be to tell stories about the time Ralph had to give himself an enema. I think we both agree that's the real "buried treasure" here. If we can pool our efforts and make it through the day and night of diuretic doom by working together, we can guarantee that ultimate victory. Beating you would be great Bri, but I really want Ralph to stick things up his butt. I think that's what we all want.

Posted by Greg @ 09:46 PM EST

Saturday, June 29, 2002

Medical Denial

To be honest here, I think there is not a chance in oblivioness that either contender will complete the 20 hours in their cars. Think of it...One(1) cup of coffee alone inhibits all excretory organs and functional renal glands. In turn speeding up the urination process. Blood engourges the kidneys at a much faster rate and condenses around the bladder to. This allows pressure to build on the surrounding walls of bladder which leads to a lessened capacity and stronger sensory message of needed urination. Paralleling these functions is the effects of caffeine on the lower digestive organs. Caffeine increases the speed of stomach digestion, which proceeds to force partially digested food into the intestines. The intestines also function at a hightened capability due to the effects of caffeine. Therefore, nutrients are not adequately absorbed by the intestinal walls and excrement retains more liquid. Obviously this leads to diarrhea and a unstable schedule of excretion. Once again this is after a typical adult male consumes One(1) cup of coffee. That's a mere 8-10 ounces! I am in no way saying that my collegues are "typical", but I feel they are not going to surpass the effects of caffeine on BOTH their excretory funtions and urination processes for 20 hours. Especially after these effects are amplified by the shear fact that they are drinking SIX(6) cups of coffee. Three of which are much larger than 8-10 ounces.
However, I also see that both Greg and Brian are aware and prepared to meandor in their own filth and insanity for some time. Both gentlemen realize that they will need to excrete some form of waste at least one time during this excursion. I'm not assured though that will be able to sit through this for multiple times throughout a 20 hour period. Think of the smell and the physical feeling that will haunt them during this period. There is no way in my mind that this is possible for both Greg and Brian to do. I am prepared to receive and enema, but I am not forseeing it occuring due to this challenge

Posted by Ralph @ 10:59 AM EST

Sunday, June 30, 2002

Passive Aggressive Ralph

Ralph's just mad because the rules and regulations state that neither Brian nor I are allowed to administer the enema that he will be receiving.

Posted by Greg @ 06:42 AM EST

Monday, July 1, 2002

It's Hot (Or Not) Outside

Recent posts have proven that this isn't a typical challenge. Greg and I are fully suited for the task. Ralph actually wants his punishment. So I have been forced to ask myself, "what is going to be the one real advantage that will bring a challenger victory?" For days I pondered this question. Last night I awoke in the middle of the night with the answer ringing in my head. The obvious advantage in "Diuretic Doom" isn't bladder size or willpower, it's the challenger's level of hotness. Pure unadulterated hotness will win this challenge. And we all know that there is only one true way to test a human's 'hotness'.

Who is the hottest (or nottest) challenger? Is it Ralph, Greg or Brian?

The human deemed hottest shall find uncontested victory. If there is any justice in the world Greg will win. That picture of him is so damn hot!

Posted by Brian @ 04:36 PM EST

Tuesday, July 2, 2002

The Whole Neighborhood Is Cromiting

Just in case the Air Horn portion of the rules confused you, I would like to clarify what the term 'cromit' actually means. A cromit is a simultaneous combination of a vomit and a crap. For the math majors out there: cromit = [(crap - ap) + (vomit - v)] If I am going to be shitting and puking in my own car you know damn well that I am going to go the extra mile and cromit. Listen carefully... you can already hear the 4 air horn blasts. Let it be known that I am an experienced cromiter. My first cromit was awarded to me when I had an extremely bad case of the flu. I had 'the runs' (what a cute name for something so god awful) and it was so bad that I vomited on the wall as I continued my violent shitting. If you too have a cromit story feel free to share it in the comments thread. With your help we can make cromiting in america better accepted by the general community.

I really hope that future our challenges involve less bodily fluids. This is starting to get really gross.

It's looks like it may be an uphil battle for me in the "Diuretic Doom" challenge. Apparently Greg has the edge on me in the hotness category. However the gap isn't all that large, I think I can close it by sunday. Let's take a look at the current standings.

Greg's Hotness Index:

HOT or NOT
Official Rating
7.9
based on 62 votes

Check out my picture!

My raw votes:

How HOT are you? - www.hotornot.com

Versus Brian's Hottness Index:

HOT or NOT
Official Rating
7.3
based on 57 votes

Check out my picture!

My raw votes:

How HOT are you? - www.hotornot.com

(Of course Ralph is beating the hell out of both of us, but who is gonna count that - he likes to stick things up his own ass...)

Air Horns, Air Horns, Air Horns!!!

Posted by Brian @ 06:14 PM EST

Thursday, July 4, 2002

I'm A Drunken Sailor

It looks as if Ralph's hot or not rating has dipped way down. I wonder what happened?

We got some cool shit brewing (man that was a great challenge related pun) over the few days for you kids. This typical crap stuff never ends, it truly is a lifestyle choice. Happy 4th everyone...

Posted by Brian @ 11:13 AM EST