I. The Coffee Car Challenge, or Diuretic Doom
For 1 (one) time period of up to and including twenty (20) hours, two (2) handsome (available) challengers shall sit within the confines of the front seats of their respective automobiles after having inoculated themselves with an aforeunmentioned dose of coffee beverages, which, as you can certainly already see, faithful reader, will cause various rectal mishaps, sitcom style, but not a good sitcom, maybe one in the waning years of TGIF on ABC, which makes you wonder why the opposite of waxing is waning, and why Mr. Miyagi didn't just say waning instead of wax off, if that is indeed the case. Before entering said automobiles, the challengers (which will include) Brian "Nightwing" Perrry and Greg "Batman" DeMastos will consume 4 (fore) small cups of coffee, 1 (won) medium cup of coffee, and 1 (The Oneders) large cup of coffee, in that order, at a coffee purchasing venue yet to be determined (destiny). The coffee, which may be hot or iced but not decaffeinated, may contain any coffee supplements to make the experience more palatable to the consumers, since everything from that point on will be downhill. There, now the coffee dosage is aforementioned.

II. The Flow of the Challenge, If You Will
When entering the fated automobiles, challengers may not be wearing any atypical types of clothing to protect their precious leather/metal/suede car seats. Thus, contractor bags and diapers (including the "Oops I crapped my pants" variety) are strictly forbidden, as is the changing of clothing while amidst the challenge, or the removing of clothing for any reason. For reasons obvious, pants may be unzipped at any time. To enhance the enjoyment of the Typical Crap fans, the challengers may enter the automobiles while carrying one notebook, one box of pens, and one audiorecorder (not to be used for playback). Further, as this isn't one of those crazy "eat peanut butter and frosting only for a week" challenges, competitors may bring three sack (Sack!) lunches which must be pre-approved by the opponent. The contents of the sack, which may not contain human balls, will help push dung out of the challengers pieholes, a place where dung certainly should not be. The automobiles will be parked front to back, side to side, so that communication/taunting/birds may flow from window to window. To PREVENT from entertainment occurring here, as a mindful player plays not in things which will play him, the car may not be turned on in any fashion, and nothing will be allowed in or out of the windows other than the aforementioned preapproved materials/forces of nature. Speaking of forces of nature, the windows must be set in one position as the challenge commences, and those windows cannot be moved or wamoved for the entirety of the challenge. Hey remember when we were talking about what's in your sack? That was awesome. Every hour, on the hour, a designated third party will allot one DixieÒ (America's Paper Source) cup of water to each challenger, which must be consumed immediately, even if something's flowing out as the water is flowing in. In addition, if a challenger opens their sack and begins eating its innards, the contents of the sack (finished or not) will be removed and destroyed by the aforementioned third party upon their next hourly visit. Eat it out while you can. No body fluids other than mucus or ejaculate may enter the cups or the sack. Cup my sack.

III. Air Horns
Each competitor will enter the cars with one airhorn, which you may remember from such infomercials as MacGuyver. When a competitor begins consuming their sack lunch, they must signal this to the world by sounding their airhorn within the car for five seconds. The airhorn will also serve several other purposes. The airhorn will be blasted one time for one second if a competitor releases urine into the world. The airhorn will be blasted two times for one second each if a competitor releases fecal matter into the world. The airhorn will be blasted three times for one second each if a competitor releases vomit into the world. The airhorn will be blasted four times for one second each if (akin to the Ebola Virus) a competitor releases cromit into the world. The airhorn will be blasted five times for one second each if a competitor releases ejaculate into the world. All horn blasts, as par for the course, must be hooded sweatshirt.

IV. And then? And then?
If both challengers manage to remain in the automobiles for twenty hours, then Ralph "Aquaman" Souper must get an enema. Neither challenger will be required to administer said enema. Ralph can get a mirror or two for that. Actually, maybe he could get some furniture to help him. A real nice piece of furniture is what I'd want if I were to get an enema. If one of the competitors leaves the confines of their automobile, then that competitor has lost the challenge. The loser must then go to the mall of the winner's choosing, approach twenty females of the winner's choosing, and ask them out on dates in a serious manner following a designated script designed by the winner. If, for some unforeseen reason, a girl actually says yes to this courtship, that encounter will count as two encounters, thus reducing the workload of the loser due to his charisma. If, for some foreseen reason, the loser marries one of the girls from the mall punishment, then the winner of the coffee car challenge must adopt seven dogs no older than five years of age on the day of or day after the wedding, and keep said dogs for the rest of their natural lives, though putting the dogs to sleep is allowed. Poodles aren't allowed. Poodles can be fed to any of the seven dogs at any time.

CLXXIX. If you're confused:
Brian and Greg are going to drink a bunch of coffee and then sit in their cars for twenty hours. They'll probably pee and crap on the seats, among other things. This is all just so Ralph will have to get an enema, which he wanted anyway.