12:09 PM
Things are getting kinda dark now. I sat down at a computer to apply for a job but left when someone sat down next to me and began speaking to me. In fact, I left mid-conversation. I figured that after calling Greg on the phone, he would be gone when I got back. Not only was he still there but he took my computer. I guess that's just the type of person who wants to work at Home Depot.

It is 12:00 and I have been up for over 7 hrs. I'm not even halfway home. It's gonna be a long day.

Some fat prick of a kid keeps looking at me funny. He put me into double digits in the strange looks category, but I'm still gonna kick his ass.

There is a child behind me crying. Mommy scolded it by saying, "You are going to get kicked out." I thought for a split second that she was speaking to me. It really freaked me out. The child's crying is soothing. I could cry right now.

12:18 PM
The magical employment machine is talking to me. I am scared.

I told the magical machine that I have lived at my current address for 99 years and 0 months.

I am available to work only from 6 AM to 9 PM and 9 PM to 10 PM full time and weekends.

What the hell is a "nolo contendere" plea. No habla español, Mr. Employment Machine.

If they call me back for this application I wonder if it is for my fashion degree or my experience speaking both English and Canadian.

This is way too much fun. I am sitting here laughing out loud.

Here is what my signature ended up looking like on the application:

(PIC MISSING)

I can't wait to be part of the Home Depot family.

1:00 PM
Rather than cutting myself just to feel the pain I think I am going to do another "time trial".
Start: 1:03
1:21 about 18 min.

1:31 PM
Now is the beginning of the end. A chick that I saw all over the store has caught on to me. I heard her say "It's espionage, I'm telling you," and then a co-worker came up to me and asked if I needed any help. I told him no but he didn't leave. Then I said oh so smoothly, "Uh, I am kinda looking at the bathtubs." Then I left. I think I need to spend some time on the wood side of the store and pray for a shift change. I am so screwed…

2:10 PM
And did I mention how much of a bitch that girl was. If you think I am doing something wrong, you better fucking say it to my face. And that guy didn't do much better either. If I really was a shoplifter, they went way against what they were taught to do when dealing with one. After that whole scare I went and found some items in the ad. I was all juiced up so I did some good search and destroy shit. It's a good thing that this happened because it has given me some renewed energy. I am in this thing for the long haul. You can't scare me away that easily. I want to be able to cut my hair. The only problem is that I don't feel comfortable writing in the store. I'm on the shitter right now. We shall see what happens… fuck that stupid bitch.

2:37 PM
Could have sworn that they just announced a call for me…

3:06 PM
Now I know for sure that an employee is following me around. It's really odd. I feel as if I am on Survivor or something. It is really impossible to relax. Never felt hunted before.

Speaking of Survivor, I haven't had a thing to eat all day. I am starving. I would just about kill for some Spikes right now. My closest thing to a friend right now is that girl who is following me around. Maybe she would go get me some Spikes. I should go ask her. Well, back to pretending to shop.

3:23 PM
So how are we. Quite wagood to be honest. I really do think that everyone is out to get me including Greg, Marc, and other people who have nothing to do with anything at this point. I desperately need to see a human being that I know, and they damn well better have food. As for tomorrow: fuck tomorrow. This is a once in a lifetime thing. Never ever again will I set foot in here. I just can't wait to get really drunk at the campsite tomorrow.

3:30 PM
I always figured that something called a deer barrier would have to be extremely large and strong. I see it here in front of me (for $50!) and it looks like they melted saran wrap on fishing wire. That would never stop one of those fuckers. Maybe it is supposed to cut deer into tiny squares. It might be able to do that.

3:40 PM
It's amazing but I can't even pretend to shop anymore. I just can't do it. I feel like all the bastards in the aprons can see right through me. They all think I am a shoplifter. I can't even look for stuff in the ad anymore. Because when I do that I look like I am looking for something specific, and you know that one of those HD bastards is gonna come over to me. I have absolutely nothing left to do and over 6 hours to do it in. I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

I have also got to thinking- what if this was all a big joke. If Greg never did the PBF thing and this was his dirty little in-joke. Or if he did do it and wanted me to feel the same starvation that he felt by making sure that no one brought me food and I starved. Come to think of it, all I really have had to eat today were PB or frosting related.

3:57 PM
I'm in the bathroom again. Why? A- Because my ass was sweating. B- Because there were a lot of cops at the front of the store. But who am I kidding, the cops aren't for me. I am not stealing. In fact I have been mistaken for an employee just as many times as I have been stopped by employees.

In very good news I think nearly every department has had a shift change. I see fewer and fewer of those faces I have been trying to avoid. Plus it looks like that girl who was all over my ass has called it a day. Can't get too excited however, it's only a matter of time until these new employees realize how long I have been here. I am sweating already.